Time to finally let go

A personal post today but it is a needed one. It is all about letting go to all of the things that is holding me back. All of the anger. All of the insecurities. All of the doubt.



Mini me!

A couple of months ago, I read another blogger's, Claire from Grab Your Camera, post about how she is embracing her mental health and I can honestly say, it made me relived to realise that it isn't just me, when I thought it was just me, even though I knew I wasn't the only one, who had gone through something. I mean I related to all of Claire's fact about me.

Because of her post, I decided to write about my own experiences and finally letting go of them.

So here is 'It is time to finally let go'...

For a decade now, I have had to deal with some things that I didn't handle well at all.

Now, I know other people have it so much worse but for an eight year old girl who had everything to having nothing and going to secondary school and having changes to her life, it was blooming hard.

 

In 2003, my grandpa died and my dad turned to alcohol to cope with his dad's death.
My amazing mum bought my two brothers and I up on her own and I would hardly ever see my dad. In fact, my eldest brother was more like my dad than my actual dad.
Then my parents separated. Then divorced a few years later.

For me, this hurt so much.

It was like everyone else was moving, getting on with their lives and mine just stopped.
I was frozen in that moment for the next 10 years because I knew nothing would be the same again.
I just didn't understand what was happening and most importantly, why it was happening.  

 

And whilst all of that was going on, I was getting bullied at secondary school and at home. I won't go too much into detail as I have written a full blog post about it but for someone who was in their early teens, growing up, meeting new people, finding out and trying new things etc, all I was doing was hurting.

I was hurting inside whilst I was happy on the outside. I was turning to food to give me comfort and this in turn gave me a certain low level of happiness but happiness none the less.

 

But I had no real sense of happiness anymore.
I was absolutely, completely and utterly lost.

 

To make it even worse, I didn't tell anyone about the bullying and about how I was feeling and even now that is my biggest mistake and regret I have made.

I didn't want to make matters worse because school was crap and so was home. My mum had so much to deal with back then and I didn't want to add to her stress and problems. I couldn't bare to see her suffering with any thing else. She only really found out that I was bullied at school just over a year ago and she didn't realise the extent my brother was bullying me by until a few months ago and unfortunately he is still living in the same house as me now.

 

I would have really bad anxiety that meant I couldn't leave the house because I was so self conscious of what people would say and get paranoid because I would think they were talking about me and all of my emotions got so out of hand and I couldn't deal with it.

 

So because of all of this, it led to me feel suicidal. And nobody knew.

Every night, without a shadow of a doubt, I'd cry myself to sleep.

Every morning, without a shadow of a doubt, I would dread waking up.

So I thought the only thing to do was just sleep and not wake up.

 

I was that depressed but I didn't want to go to the doctors because that would have confirmed it. It would have made the whole thing real.

 

I was a really negative girl in what I thought was a really negative world.

 

But oh, how I was wrong.

 

It has taken me 10 years, almost half my lifetime, to get to a stage where I am slowly but surely accepting myself, flaws and all, and becoming (hopefully) a much happier person.

I graduated twice this year, I have lost a crap loads of weight, I have found such a passion in blogging but most importantly, I am starting to see the happiness in life again.

It takes little steps but they make a huge difference in the long run.

 

Although I still get anxious about tweeting someone or texting them etc, because I feel like I am being annoying and that they are thinking 'why is she talking to me', I am getting there and going out to blogger events, meeting other people, something that I definitely wouldn't have done a couple of years ago. AND I LOVE IT!

 

Mental health affects more people than you probably think. You aren't alone in this, you never have and you never will be. This is why it is so important to do something I didn't do, start talking about it.

 

Until next time

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All photographs are my own!