Struggling with grief

This post has been in my drafts for a couple of months now. It was originally called "Coping with grief" but to be truthful [as I always am on my blog], that title would have been a lie. I'm not coping at all at the moment. Not at all.

This is a really personal post for me. Opening up about something that is happening and happening right now, it's daunting really. Call Me Caz was always a place I would write down my thoughts and feelings so I guess that is what I am doing now.

So my name is Caroline and I am struggling to deal with this grief...

Recently, I’ve been really struggling a lot. Ever since February happened, a piece of my heart is missing. I look for it in the little things. In a phone call that’s never going to happen, a trip to our favourite vegetarian restaurant, in a block of cheese. I look, but it’s not there, it never will be.

Put on a fake smile and you feel fine. For a second.

I wonder if grief ever leaves you, maybe it gets a little easier as time passes on, but I don’t think it’ll ever pass. Life doesn’t prepare you for that. For the moment you lose a piece of your heart that you will never get back. The loss of a parent.

I still wonder how you are doing, what you are doing, ready to pick up the phone and call you, then I remember. Your phone number isn’t available anymore.

 

You will never see me learn to drive. Buy my very first car. Become a house owner for the first time. Meet Ryan, or any other future boyfriends I may have. Get a little dog of my own. Marry, maybe. You will never see any of them things and I took that for granted that you would. Now, this is something I need to learn to accept.

 

That you won't be there anymore.

Oh how I wish I could change things, hindsight is a marvellous thing as they say. But I can’t, and it breaks my heart.

I will never be the same, ever again. Half of me is missing, gone forever when February happened, and I will never get it back. I miss that piece of me. So very, very much.

 

I know this is all I, I, I, but honestly, I really don't know how to cope with it all. I just feel so alone. None of my friends have lost a parent[s]. My boyfriend hasn't either. I feel like I can't really talk to my family as they are dealing with it in their own way and don't want to be a burden on them.

 

That's what I feel like. A burden. A burden that is struggling to cope and just drowning in tears.

 

I feel like none of them would understand.

The hurt. The pain. The struggle.

 

We all go through grief at a stage in our life. Some more than others. Doesn't take away from the grief as a whole. Whether it has happened already, is happening or hasn't happened yet, I'm sorry but it will. It will happening eventually and when it does, the world feels like it just stops.

 

Everything you were looking forward to. Gone. Everything that was making you feel worried. Gone. Everything that made you happy and feel content. Gone.
Nothing mattered anymore.

 

That moment in time when I found out. Those four words. "Dad has passed away." I will never forgot. Never forget that it was 1:06am on 2nd February 2018. Never forget my brother coming into my bedroom, waking me up, looking like he had been crying a thousand tears. Never forget them four little but heart breaking words.

 

They say everything heals with time. I think they are wrong. I will never forget that night, my memories with him, the grief I have endured these past few months. They will remain with me for as long as I live. And that scares the shit out of me.

 

But I fear that in time, I will "move on" [so to speak], that the pain, the hurt, the grief, will ease. I must admit I don't think I want to. During my 23 years of life, I have been so naïve. Thinking you would be here till I'm old and grey. But you got old and grey and your time on this planet came to an end.

 

Oh, I miss you so much, Dad. I know you are always going to be there but it just hurts at the moment.

But like the leaves that are falling from the trees, I am ready to bloom again.
 

My name is Caroline and I am struggling to deal with grief.